Ten Things I Should’ve learned by now:
1.
You can’t save anyone
not the girl with the sunset eyes and the hair aflame
who will always remind you of the sun,
you cannot save her,
you cannot stop this star from collapsing on itself,
the black hole will be catastrophic,
and now it’s time to decide if you are willing to let it consume you.
Devour you whole.
You cannot save the girl with the smiling eyes,
whose laughter rings in your soul,
singing a song you’re sure your mother knew
you cannot save this girl.
Good news is she doesn’t need you to.
She needs no savior
for she is a hurricane
and she will rip
herself apart and paste herself back together
in a myriad of unfathomable forms
that never last.
But she will.
Oh how she will last.
2.
A day in bed is not a day wasted.
When your limbs feel too far away to move
and the blankets are the straight jacket
you are convinced you need
and the world turns
but you for god’s sake cannot,
these are the days you will fight alone
when from the outside it looks
like you have given up,
with your tear stained cheeks
and your eyes that wont stay open long enough
to meet the face of your worried mother,
these are the days you are fighting hardest,
when your body finally wants to give in to your mind,
to give up,
to stop,
to end,
to cease to be.
and everything,
everything, it seems agrees.
there will be a part of you that still fights,
laying down, with your crusted eyes,
unmoving, a part of you still hopes.
So take the day to explore the battle field of your body
to see just how hard it has worked,
give it the day off.
come back tomorrow.
3.
Sometimes you can’t get out the stains
When the world is dark
and inky
and everything spills over,
When the new pants you bought have already been covered in the grime of living,
When the world itself seems to just be dirt
and filth
and muck.
When she touches you and
leaves her oil paint hand prints over your heart.
When you have not done laundry.
When the dishes in the sink are rotting
When you haven’t washed your hair.
There will be stains that you cannot remove no matter how hard you scrub,
and you can't go on ignoring them
they will signal to the rest of the world
the mess you have made of yourself
There are stains you will live with for the rest of your life,
The blood pooled on carpet,
The purple-blue scar on your arm from a night you don’t remember.
Like the names tattooed on your heart,
Like dents in the wall from arguments with yourself/
You will be stained.
So leave the apron behind
and paint my love
stains don’t come out
but they can be covered up.
Covered with the smile on a good day
and the yellow paint belly laugh of your best friend,
covered with the ink of poetry that has stained your fingers because you sat down to write it all away but it just wont leave you.
Covered with the foundation you bought at the grocery store down the way
when you thought you had things you needed to hide.
So no love,
you can’t get rid of the stains
but you can cover them until they fade.
and sometimes that's enough
4.
Jesus Christ quit drinking coffee
When will you learn that it is the cause of your shaking palms,
your cotton dry mouth,
your beat-beat-beat-beating heart
too quick to count.
When will you learn that the sweet taste left on your lips
is not worth the twisted-gut-anxiety,
the not enough, never enough,
headache.
Learn that if you need something just to greet the day
you should look at the way you live,
not in keeping the thermos on your nightstand.
Learn that waking to the warmth
of this forsaken ambrosia
is not worth the pain of waking without it.
5.
When to let go.
1.
You can’t save anyone
not the girl with the sunset eyes and the hair aflame
who will always remind you of the sun,
you cannot save her,
you cannot stop this star from collapsing on itself,
the black hole will be catastrophic,
and now it’s time to decide if you are willing to let it consume you.
Devour you whole.
You cannot save the girl with the smiling eyes,
whose laughter rings in your soul,
singing a song you’re sure your mother knew
you cannot save this girl.
Good news is she doesn’t need you to.
She needs no savior
for she is a hurricane
and she will rip
herself apart and paste herself back together
in a myriad of unfathomable forms
that never last.
But she will.
Oh how she will last.
2.
A day in bed is not a day wasted.
When your limbs feel too far away to move
and the blankets are the straight jacket
you are convinced you need
and the world turns
but you for god’s sake cannot,
these are the days you will fight alone
when from the outside it looks
like you have given up,
with your tear stained cheeks
and your eyes that wont stay open long enough
to meet the face of your worried mother,
these are the days you are fighting hardest,
when your body finally wants to give in to your mind,
to give up,
to stop,
to end,
to cease to be.
and everything,
everything, it seems agrees.
there will be a part of you that still fights,
laying down, with your crusted eyes,
unmoving, a part of you still hopes.
So take the day to explore the battle field of your body
to see just how hard it has worked,
give it the day off.
come back tomorrow.
3.
Sometimes you can’t get out the stains
When the world is dark
and inky
and everything spills over,
When the new pants you bought have already been covered in the grime of living,
When the world itself seems to just be dirt
and filth
and muck.
When she touches you and
leaves her oil paint hand prints over your heart.
When you have not done laundry.
When the dishes in the sink are rotting
When you haven’t washed your hair.
There will be stains that you cannot remove no matter how hard you scrub,
and you can't go on ignoring them
they will signal to the rest of the world
the mess you have made of yourself
There are stains you will live with for the rest of your life,
The blood pooled on carpet,
The purple-blue scar on your arm from a night you don’t remember.
Like the names tattooed on your heart,
Like dents in the wall from arguments with yourself/
You will be stained.
So leave the apron behind
and paint my love
stains don’t come out
but they can be covered up.
Covered with the smile on a good day
and the yellow paint belly laugh of your best friend,
covered with the ink of poetry that has stained your fingers because you sat down to write it all away but it just wont leave you.
Covered with the foundation you bought at the grocery store down the way
when you thought you had things you needed to hide.
So no love,
you can’t get rid of the stains
but you can cover them until they fade.
and sometimes that's enough
4.
Jesus Christ quit drinking coffee
When will you learn that it is the cause of your shaking palms,
your cotton dry mouth,
your beat-beat-beat-beating heart
too quick to count.
When will you learn that the sweet taste left on your lips
is not worth the twisted-gut-anxiety,
the not enough, never enough,
headache.
Learn that if you need something just to greet the day
you should look at the way you live,
not in keeping the thermos on your nightstand.
Learn that waking to the warmth
of this forsaken ambrosia
is not worth the pain of waking without it.
5.
When to let go.