My Journey:
The Ordinary world- The everyday, the neurotypical. The sheltered Child.
The Call to Adventure- The realization that this wasn't normal. The Not being okay.
Refusal- My reluctance, The inability to accept. The constant struggle of Acceptance
Mentor- All who love me and wish to see me grow
Crossing the threshold- I am standing at the precipice. We will see.
Allies- Again all who support me
Approach- Let us face the beast. Let us sit in silence and await the call of my name.
Ordeal- Slamming doors, screaming and running, always running. This is the ordeal.
Reward- Has yet to be attained, aside the rewards of the friendships that have grown.
Road Back- Will be a long one.
Atonement- Is coming.
Return- There is no return, there is only forward.
The Call to Adventure- The realization that this wasn't normal. The Not being okay.
Refusal- My reluctance, The inability to accept. The constant struggle of Acceptance
Mentor- All who love me and wish to see me grow
Crossing the threshold- I am standing at the precipice. We will see.
Allies- Again all who support me
Approach- Let us face the beast. Let us sit in silence and await the call of my name.
Ordeal- Slamming doors, screaming and running, always running. This is the ordeal.
Reward- Has yet to be attained, aside the rewards of the friendships that have grown.
Road Back- Will be a long one.
Atonement- Is coming.
Return- There is no return, there is only forward.
"Its not a game changer" You said voice full of heavenly reverence, full of love and acceptance. Tears rolled down my cheeks, heavy sobs stealing my breath and you took my hand. "I love you."
***
"I already knew" She said with a smirk that only she can wear, but softness in her eyes contrast to the tough love mentality she owns. "It's not your fault."
***
"Baby I am so sorry." She has told me with tears in her eyes, with a heart that beat in time. With the voice of someone who knew what it was like. "I am sorry"
***
"I love you isnt enough anymore"
***
"I am over it, over this."
***
"..."
***
"I already knew" She said with a smirk that only she can wear, but softness in her eyes contrast to the tough love mentality she owns. "It's not your fault."
***
"Baby I am so sorry." She has told me with tears in her eyes, with a heart that beat in time. With the voice of someone who knew what it was like. "I am sorry"
***
"I love you isnt enough anymore"
***
"I am over it, over this."
***
"..."
"You can't keep living like this"
For months now their voices have echoed in my head and I know it is true, I know it is true but how do I change? This is all I have known for years? Is it really that simple to fix my entire world. Through it over on its head and I am supposed to be okay? I am supposed to spill the depth of all that I am and all that I know to those who would deny my existence, deny my struggles. How am I supposed to fix this? Can I even fix this? Or is this my reality from day one and forever?
For months now their voices have echoed in my head and I know it is true, I know it is true but how do I change? This is all I have known for years? Is it really that simple to fix my entire world. Through it over on its head and I am supposed to be okay? I am supposed to spill the depth of all that I am and all that I know to those who would deny my existence, deny my struggles. How am I supposed to fix this? Can I even fix this? Or is this my reality from day one and forever?
Reality?
"I will no longer mutilate and destroy myself in order to find a secret behind the ruins..." (Siddhartha, Herman Hesse).
I refuse to destroy who I am in order to find what is real, what the world calls real, I refuse to annihilate my sense of forming self in order to fit into societies idea's of perfection and I choose to from now one fight that pressure to save the me inside of me screaming to be let free.
"What it comes to is ourselves, that we do not find ways to hew to experience as it is, in our definition and expression of it, in other words, find ways to stay in the human universe, and not be led to partition reality at any point, in any way." The Human Universe Charles Olsen.
I will stay in this world, and I will fight the illusions, the dark thoughts, the warped perceptions, reality will be my tie and I will not let go. I refuse to allow anything to lead me away from the human universe.
"Dukkha is often translated as 'suffering' But this only gets at part of what the word means, because pleasure is also a form of Dukkha." ( A Wheel out of Kilter.)
If life is pain. and pleasure is pain. Then I will find the pleasure in the pain. I will not enjoy my suffering but I will find things inside the suffering to enjoy. I will find the light in the dark and I will cling to the truth that it is there.
I refuse to destroy who I am in order to find what is real, what the world calls real, I refuse to annihilate my sense of forming self in order to fit into societies idea's of perfection and I choose to from now one fight that pressure to save the me inside of me screaming to be let free.
"What it comes to is ourselves, that we do not find ways to hew to experience as it is, in our definition and expression of it, in other words, find ways to stay in the human universe, and not be led to partition reality at any point, in any way." The Human Universe Charles Olsen.
I will stay in this world, and I will fight the illusions, the dark thoughts, the warped perceptions, reality will be my tie and I will not let go. I refuse to allow anything to lead me away from the human universe.
"Dukkha is often translated as 'suffering' But this only gets at part of what the word means, because pleasure is also a form of Dukkha." ( A Wheel out of Kilter.)
If life is pain. and pleasure is pain. Then I will find the pleasure in the pain. I will not enjoy my suffering but I will find things inside the suffering to enjoy. I will find the light in the dark and I will cling to the truth that it is there.